I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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