So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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