just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
