Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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