i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
