At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
