Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
