I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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