hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
