its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
