i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
im holly from the hills drunk
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
