People with herpes should wear stickers.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
