I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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