I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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