Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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