there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
