you traded sex for a burrito?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
