Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
