so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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