so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
