Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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