I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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