I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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