i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
