haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
