Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I still have a little drunk in my system
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
