you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
