I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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