yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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