Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
