fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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