i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
