Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
50% drunk capacity currently
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
