I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
