so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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