When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
