His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
