Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
