I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
