bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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