I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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