nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My balls are so social today.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
