she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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