I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
