You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
