You can't special order awesome
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
