i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
