like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There r osticjed everywhere
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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