How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
