Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We smell like vodka and hangover
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