i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
