Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
