You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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